[Feature image by Austin Pacheco]
Looking forward to hours of small talk with folks you only see once a year? Who isn’t?!
Next time you’re trapped at the table with a drunk uncle giving you investment advice, an elderly aunt describing her bunyon surgery, or a little cousin commenting on your adult acne, feel free to switch topics by pulling out some funny jokes from your back pocket.
Here are 39 G-rated jokes, sourced from Reddit, that you can share with your relatives:
G-rated Jokes: Wordplay
What do you call a computer that sings?
What concert costs 45 cents?
Fifty Cent featuring Nickleback.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, sorry we don’t serve food here.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
Cats have claws at the end of their paws, and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
What’s the difference between a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
The creator of the knock-knock joke should receive a no-bell prize
What’s the best way to carve wood?
Whittle by whittle
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is very heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
*Confused* Sorry I was lost at “C.”
I want to recite a poem:
…Ok, it’s not the best poem, but it’s very deep.
A piece of string walks into a bar and tries to order a drink.
The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve pieces of string here.”
The string goes back outside, ties himself up, and messes up his hair. The string goes back into the bar and orders again.
The bartender asks, “Aren’t you that piece of string?”
“No,” says the string. “I’m a frayed knot.”
What was Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
What’s Forrest Gump’s password?
What did sushi A say to sushi B?
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “how do you drive this thing?”
Two soldiers are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “blub blub blub.”
Why can’t your arm be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
A Higgs boson walks into a church.
The priest states, “We don’t allow Higgs bosons in here.”
The Higgs boson says, “But without me, how can you have mass?”
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it’d be a chicken sedan.
What’s Irish and sits out in the rain?
G-rated Jokes: Stories
A cop is stationed at the side of the road. He sees a car fly by with 12 penguins in the back. The cop pulls the car over and runs up to its window.
“What are you doing with 12 penguins in the back of your car?!” he asks.
“I don’t know,” the guy says.
The cop replies, “Well I think you should take them to the zoo!”
“Ok,” the guy replies.
The next day, the cop is on the side of the road again. He sees the same car speed past with 12 penguins in it. The cop hits his sirens and pulls the guy over.
“I thought I told you to bring those penguins to the zoo!”
The guy replies, “I already did! And now we’re going to the movies!”
The pope was super early for his flight. On his way to the airport, he asks his driver if he could drive around a little. They have time to kill, and he hasn’t driven a car since becoming pope.
The pope’s driving skills are naturally rusty. He sees police lights behind him, so he pulls over.
When the cop comes up to the window, his eyes go wide. He says to the pope, “Hold on for a minute.” The cop goes to radio his chief.
Cop: “Chief we have a situation. I’ve pulled over an important figure.”
Chief: “How important? A governor or something?”
Cop: “No sir. He’s bigger.”
Chief: “So, what? A celebrity or something?”
Cop: “More important, Sir.”
Chief: “A major politician?
Cop: “No sir, he’s much more important.”
Chief: “WELL WHO IS IT!?”
Cop: “Well actually I’m not sure. But the pope’s his driver.”
An Olympian walks through the airport, carrying a huge pole.
An excited fan runs up and asks, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He replies, “No, I’m German. But how did you know my name?”
At a school dance, there’s a boy with a wooden eye standing alone.
He doesn’t have many friends, because people think he’s weird for having only one eye. The boy decides to ask someone to dance. He looks around the room and spots a girl with really big ears sitting alone.
The boy decides to take a shot at it. He approaches the girl and asks if she would like to dance.
She jumps up and exclaims, “Would I? Would I!”
He screams at her, “Big ears! Big ears!”
No duh, Sherlock
Sherlock Holmes and Watson go camping one evening.
In the middle of the night, Sherlock asks Watson, “Watson, what do you observe?”.
To this Watson replies, “A beautiful starry sky, full of stars, nebulae, and planets.”
“And what can you deduce from this?” Sherlock asks.
“Well, since there are so many stars, it makes me think that it’s impossible we are alone in the universe!” exclaims Watson.
Sherlock replies scathingly, “As usual you have failed to observe the obvious. Someone has stolen our tent!”
G-Rated Jokes: Savage Mode
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks, “Does this taste funny to you?”
I used to be addicted to hokey-pokey, but I turned myself around
How cold is it in D.C. today?
So cold that politicians had their hands in their own pockets.
What’s the difference of a tuna, a piano, and glue?
You can tune a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna.
What about the glue?
I knew you’d get stuck on that.
Why do you never see giraffes hiding in trees?
Because they’re very good at it.
Control freak. Now you should say, “control freak who?”
The police came and knocked on my door holding a picture of my wife.
They asked, “Is this your wife?” I replied, “Yes.”
They said, “I’m sorry to say it looks like she’s been hit by a bus”
I replied, “Yeah I know, but she’s a great cook and is amazing with the kids.”
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom.
He goes to rent a tux, and there’s a super long tux line at the shop. It takes him forever, but he finally gets the tux.
He goes to buy flowers, and there’s a crazy long line at the florist. He eventually gets the bouquet.
Finally, on the day of the prom, the boy and his girlfriend dance happily together. When the song ends, she asks him to get her some punch…
The boy heads to the punch table, and there is no punchline.
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